Bullycrap

Well! Been a while since the last few posts that got this blog rolling. I've been busy with all the many things involved in Being Me. Anyway, I warned you this thing might be inconsistent. I WARNED YOU ALL.

Anyway, sometimes it takes me a while to recognize an angle on a subject that's worth writing about. Case in point: this story which has been getting a lot of notice lately. It was a couple of days before I realized it happened in a suburb of my home city. I'd be happy to see Rochester making international news if it was for one of the many wonderful things about the city, but naturally, this story is sad. Still, it's interesting on a number of levels.

First of all, it hits home because I was bullied and teased when I was young - for being fat, odd, sensitive, physically and socially awkward, liking "Doctor Who", or any combination of those things. Of course, this has happened to many if not most of us. Often bullies are or have been the victims of bullies themselves. So, my own experience with the phenomenon is hardly unique, but there are times I still feel it keenly. (We'll return to this later.)

The story is also remarkable for the way it illustrates how bullying has, to a certain extent, been taken out of the private or semi-private context and into the public or semi-public realm. My bullies tended to confine their antics to the locker room, a corner of the classroom, or even between my school desk and theirs. (The better to avoid getting caught and reprimanded, which sometimes happened when I was in school, but may or may not be less likely now.) This event apparently got so much attention because the video got posted to YouTube. It's escaped the confines of the school bus and can be viewed by anyone (it made its way to THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET), and is on record and available for... well, if not for the ages, exactly, for a while. I've forgotten probably 95% of the abuse and insults piled on me in school - not so easy for those whose torments are preserved by electrons.

The thing that really made me decide to post about the event, though, is the larger issue of making fun. It's been said that all humor happens at someone else's expense. (Mel Brooks put it like this: "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.") I don't know if that's true ALL of the time, but goodness knows it's true much of the time. Most of us love a good laugh or a joke... sometimes even when it's directed at us. But where's the line between a joke and abuse? And how far out of the line of fire does a subject have to be for the shot not to be fatal?

For example, those of you who know me know I love "Mystery Science Theater 3000". It takes a common trope - making fun of movies and TV shows, often (but not necessarily) old and generally (but not necessarily) bad - and elevates it to the level of art, both high and low (and often somewhere in between.) Now, a movie can't be hurt by jokes, but the people who made it can. How should we feel knowing that some folks may see the movie they worked so hard on being laughed at on "MST3K" and take it personally. (Fortunately, some of the victims seem to be good-natured about it.)

I've developed something of a habit of riffing on TV and movies myself... sometimes inappropriately, I'll admit. However, I was moved to think about it when my girlfriend commented on a few examples, such as when I comment on how many of the "Real Housewives..." look and act like drag queens, or react in mock-horror at a particularly flamboyant hairdo. Is making fun of someone OK if they're not present to be the victim of it? Is it more acceptable if, like reality TV stars and people who post ridiculous Internet videos of themselves, they have put themselves in the public eye? What about when the subject isn't on TV, but in the "real" world (whatever that is.) Is it OK to make fun of someone behind their back, even if they'll never find out about it?

If you think I'm being overly sensitive about this, well, I'm not going to stop enjoying "MST3K" or doing my own riffing soon. But I want to know when what I do "all in fun" crosses the line. I don't like bullies or bullying - very much because of my own experiences but because I hate to see power being abused in general. (It's one reason I have been and remain a devoted "Doctor Who" fan: as one astute commentator has noted (scroll down to Part 4), among the many inspring things the Doctor does is stand up to bullies. If I'm going to be consistent in what I take a stand against, I have to identify it accurately, right?

I also wanted to discuss the larger question of how we respond to bullying. Even those of us who don't approve of it might suggest (constructively or not) that folks need to toughen up - find humor in, or at least accept, or foibles, and be more assertive in letting people know that we won't accept their abuse. However, there are limits to how tough one can get. I do think my own experiences helped thicken my skin somewhat, but I still have my issues (with body image, among other things), and sometimes a comment can hit us in an unexpected way and really smart. (They made fun of the women for having a son who committed suicide, for cryin' out loud!)

I'll also agree with those who say that bullies need to be called out and stood up to, by the community in general if not by authorities. (We do run the risk of repressing free expression if we squash talk we don't like.) (I finally saw "The Avengers" yesterday. There's a wonderful moment where the godlike supervillain commands a group to kneel before him. One old man refuses, insisting he will "never kneel to men like you." "There are no men like me," the villain answers. "There are ALWAYS men like you." I've gotten somwhat better at asserting myself to people who give me crap; I hope when opportunities arise to stand up for others, I have and will do so.)

However, there are also reports that the school bus bullies are being bullied. I hope the jerks learn their lesson, but is it OK to respond to jerkiness with jerkiness. (I know I've been guilty of that too.)

I do approve of one last interesting aspect of this. Lots of generous folks have ponied up dough to send to the bullied bus monitor -  not 'cause anyone made them, but 'cause they could. This kind of restorative justice is certainly not new, but I'd venture modern interconnectedness has made it easier than ever before. I hope Karen Klein uses it wisely to do some nice things for herself and others, and heals.

Your comments and discussion, as always, are invited...